i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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