Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
