My friends, they love my intelligence
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
