Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
