you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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