Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
