did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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