Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
