From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
