cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
