everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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