Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize