He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
