This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
