Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
