Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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