At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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