new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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