so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
