And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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