I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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