Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
