hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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