I think i sorta joined a cult last night
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
