Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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