Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
