Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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