apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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