he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
