When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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