3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
