hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
