He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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