My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
