I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
