I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
