Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
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Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
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You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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