I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
