Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
