he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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