And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
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I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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