Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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