You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
