can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
