i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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