Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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