Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i drank out of a bidet.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
