Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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