Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
