Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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