Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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