I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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