I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
