Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
